SCENE #1: STATIC - CHARLIE BROOKER SITTING AT “newsWIPE” DESK WITH VIEW OF LONDON BEHIND HIM
Static beep.
Brooker: Before long a standard news report visual language established itself. One that’s immediately recognizable to anyone. Me has this report.
SCENE #2: ZOOM-IN ON THREE SKYSCRAPERS
Brooker VO: It starts here with a lackluster establishing shot of a significant location.
SCENE #3: SHOT OF BROOKER WALKING IN ALLEY TOWARDS CAMERA, WHILE PEOPLE WALK ALL AROUND HIM
Sounds of traffic and people.
Brooker: Next they walky-talky preamble from the altar, pacing steadily towards the lens, punctuating every other sentence with a hand gesture and ignoring all the pricks milling around him, like he’s gliding through the fucking Matrix, before coming to a halt and posing a question: What comes next?
SCENE #4: 3 SHOTS OF PEOPLE WALKING OVER A BRIDGE
Brooker VO: Often something like this, a fellow shot designed to give your eyes something to look at while my voice babbles on about facts.
SCENE #5: CAMERA STOPS, THE COLOR TURNS GRAY, FACTS ARE LISTED ON THE SCREEN: APPEAR, ONE BY ONE, ON THE SCREEN
Brooker VO: Sometimes it’ll slow down to a halt, turn monochrome, and some of those facts will appear one by one on the screen.
SCENE#6: SHOT OF OVERWEIGHT PERSON IN WHITE SHIRT, GREEN SHIRT, RED, YELLOW, AND BLUE STRIPED SHIRT, TEAL SHIRT, AND BLACK COAT
Sounds of traffic.
Brooker VO: This is followed by the obligatory shots of overweight people with their faces subtly framed out, after which the report is padded out with a selection of lazy and pointless vox pops.
SCENE #7: SHOT OF MAN #1 BEING INTERVIEWED
Sound of people and traffic.
1st Man Interviewee: I usually get some inane chatter from people.
SCENE #8: SHOT OF YOUNG WOMAN BEING INTERVIEWED
Sound of people and traffic.
Woman Interviewee: I think they do have too much. I think what we wanna hear is actually what’s happening and not what other people think of it.
SCENE #9: SHOT OF MAN #2 BEING INTERVIEWED
Sound of people and traffic.
2nd Man Interviewee: I hate these same sound bites.” MUTTERING. “I don’t want some bunch of opinion news. No.
SCENE #10: PEOPLE WALKING IN HIGH-SPEED FROM DIFFERENT ANGLES
Brooker VO: Another bit of dull visual abstraction to plug another gap now before the report segues gracefully into a bit of human interest…
SCENE #11: SHOT OF MAN SITTING AT KITCHEN TABLE OPENING MAIL
Brooker VO: …courtesy of some dowdy man opening letters in a kitchen and explaining how he’s been affected by the issue.
SCENE #12: “Dowdy Kitchen Man” APPEARS ON BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN
Man in Kitchen: When I’m watching the news I don’t really, ya know, there’s a person talking to me, telling me what’s going on and…
SCENE #13: CLOSE-UP ON MAIL, THEN ON MAN’S FACE
Man in Kitchen: …I don’t really listen to what they’re saying. It’s just news. It’s just news.
SCENE #14: SHOT OF GRAPH BEING ILLUSTRATED, “INTEGERS” ON VERTICAL LINE, “NUMBERS” ON HORIZONTAL LINE
Brooker VO: He unfortunately was boring so to wake you up, this is an animated chart…
SCENE #15: SHOT OF ILLUSTRATED SILHOUETTE OF FAMILY, WORD “AVERAGE” PRINTED OVER PICTURE
Brooker VO: …this is a silhouette representing the average family,…
SCENE #16: DRAWING OF MAN IN FRONT OF LIGHTHOUSE, LASER BEAM CUTS OFF HIS HEAD
Brooker VO: …and this is a lighthouse keeper being beheaded by a laser beam.
SCENE #17: SHOT OF PEDESTRIANS, STREET SIGN, AND PIPE IN A WINDOW
Brooker VO: As we near the end of the report, illustrative shots of pedestrians and signs and a pipe at a window…
SCENE #18: SHOT OF BROOKER STANDING IN FRONT OF A BUILDING WITH PEOPLE WALKING BEHIND HIM
Sounds of traffic.
Brooker: And then the final summary, ending on a whimsical shot of something nearby, accompanied by a rise sign-off.
SCENE #19: PAN UP TO SIGN OF “REGENT STREET”
Brooker VO: If you’re lucky, a bit of wordplay fit for a king, or in other words ‘Regent Street.’ Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, London.
SCENE #20: “BBC FOUR Newswipe” LOGO APPEARS ON SCREEN
Static beep.
